Robot Wars S9 - Week 1 Analysis

With Series 9 just on the horizon, it's time to start looking at each week's robots and seeing how they stack up. Last year, I posted these weekly predictions on my Facebook profile, but this year, I'm posting them for the world to see. There's no way that can go wrong.

Anyway, Week 1 sees the return of Grand Finalists Team Shock, with a frightening new machine, as well as former Grand Finalists Terrorhurtz. There are only two new machines in this heat, but they couldn't be any more different.

AFTERSHOCK

After retiring Shockwave following its defeat in the Series 8 Grand Final, Will and Ian Thomas are back with a brand new machine. Based on their storied featherweight Inertia XL, Aftershock is packing a half-metre, 24kg vertical flywheel that spins at 2,400 RPM. It doesn't have a srimech: instead, the disc is so powerful that it should throw Aftershock back onto its wheels if flipped. I don't know what I want to see it do more: that, or punt an opponent across the arena like Poison Arrow punting Son of Whyachi. (Here's where I'd put a GIF of said moment, IF I HAD ONE.)

Anyway, the obvious downside is that if Aftershock's weapon breaks down, it'll be three different kinds of screwed. It should be a reliable machine if Shockwave was anything to go by, but the weapon and drive chains look awfully exposed, especially with Terrorhurtz and TMHWK in the heat. The see-through polycarbonate top doesn't really help, either: the axes can see exactly what they're aiming at. Aftershock will need to hit first, and hit hard.

Prediction: Very powerful machine, should be reliable, just needs to watch out for Terrorhurtz. My favourite to win the heat.

CRANK-E

Robin Herrick - the only man left to have competed in the original series 20 years ago - returns with a completely rebuilt version of last year's Kill-E-Crank-E. The previous version did absolutely nothing other than take out Razer in a murder-suicide, but this one (googly eyes aside) looks like a much stronger contender. Kill-E-Crank-E's disc only span at 450 RPM; Crank-E's dual vertical bars spin at 6,000 RPM. Those front plates look pretty strong, too.

Crank-E's speed is listed as "untested", which to me is a bit of a red flag. For it to be a worthy successor to Pussycat, which was practically unkillable, Crank-E needs to be reliable, and it's hard to be reliable when you haven't done much testing. Don't get me wrong, the armour looks tough, but it's the internals I'm worried about. Still, this looks much better than Kill-E-Crank-E, and I feel like it's in with a chance of redeeming the Team Cold Fusion name.

Prediction: If it's reliable (and stays away from the pit) it should easily outdo Kill-E-Crank-E's woeful performance. Possible heat finalist.

JELLYFISH

It just wouldn't be Robot Wars without the obligatory animal-themed joke entry, and this year, that's Jellyfish. I'm glad I have pictures this year, because I wouldn't know where to begin describing this other than "it looks like a ten-year-old's school art project". Suffice it to say that Jellyfish was built by an ex-member of the Nuts team, with the aim of being easy to maintain and amusing to look at. It's also massive, at five feet long and nearly six feet wide.

Jellyfish's weapon is a horizontal clamp, used for grabbing opponents and pushing them into hazards (read: the pit). Presumably, Dave Lawrie was a bit miffed to learn about the whole "pit-button-sometimes-releases-a-house-robot-instead-of-lowering-the-pit" gimmick this year. Its HDPE armour is very thick, and it's no slouch at 15mph, but those won't be enough to save it if it tries to pull a Tough as Nails and ends up summoning Matilda instead.

Prediction: Sadly, I don't see Jellyfish making it to the head-to-heads. Bloop blop, this bot's for the chop.

NUTS 2

Nuts have rebuilt their jigsaw puzzle, and with Jellyfish taking up the role of "goofy joke entry", they've gotten serious this year. The weapon ring is stronger and thicker, the flails are heavier, and with a sit-and-spin speed of 500 RPM, they'll be hitting you at 180mph. And don't think you can just stay out of the way either, because as well as the nuisance-bots, Nuts now has so-called "Meltybrain" technology, allowing it to move while spinning. Or spin while moving. One of the two.

All this means that Nuts is edging firmly into "lethal joke character" territory, similar to the legendary Diotoir. That's not to say it's a contender for the heat. The weapons are still unlikely to cause major damage, and that huge ground clearance is perfect for Rapid - who's in its opening battle - to get under it and throw it out of the arena. But no matter how well Nuts 2 does, it'll be very entertaining.

Prediction: Much improved, but given the calibre of its opponents, I'm uncertain whether it can make the head-to-heads again.

RAPID

Remember I said the two newcomers couldn't be more different? Jellyfish is colourful, wacky, cheaply-built, and probably useless. Rapid cost £25,000 and is probably the most expensive (and boring-looking) robot in the contest, but don't let the plain exterior fool you. With an alleged seven tonnes of flipper power, this is the most powerful flipper in Robot Wars history, almost nine times as powerful as the legendary Wheely Big Cheese. Or so the team reckon, anyway. Numbers don't always translate into performance.

Rapid certainly has the potential to blow the competition out of the water but, skepticism aside, I see three problems with this bot. Firstly, its baseplate is only made of aluminium, and may not be strong enough. Secondly, they must be using a lot of gas to get that much flipping power. Thirdly, it hasn't been tested yet, and the team fear it may be too powerful and end up knocking itself out. Boy, I'd hate to be the guy who spends £25k on a robot that doesn't even work properly.

Prediction: This could be the next Chaos 2, or it could be the next Mortis. I have absolutely no idea.

SABRETOOTH

The perennially unlucky Sabretooth returns for a fourth bite at the Robot Wars cherry, and once again, it's been completely rebuilt. This year it's a Minotaur-esque drum spinner, built to resemble a 'jet-powered industrial quarry robot', whatever that means. The weapon weighs 25kg and spins at 7,000 RPM - "it scares me," says team captain Gabriel Stroud, and I can see why.

This is Sabretooth's best chance yet to finally break its Robot Wars hoodoo, but there's a couple of obstacles for it to contend with. Firstly, despite its "jet-powered" looks, it's actually the slowest in the heat at 9mph, and will struggle to keep pace with its opponents. Secondly, those wheels are rather exposed, and make good targets for the likes of Aftershock and TMHWK. Should we #PrayForGabe?

Prediction: Has the potential to finally get through the first round, but even with that drum, it might struggle to get much further.

TERRORHURTZ

Another long-running veteran, John Reid is entering his seventh Wars (eighth if you count the time he was 'disqualified'), and former Grand Finalist Terrorhurtz looks as potent as ever. Last year it was eliminated in the head-to-heads despite an impressive win over eventual runner-up Carbide, but this year the axe is more reliable and even more powerful, and I reckon John will fancy his chances of winning a group in which the biggest threat - Aftershock - is vulnerable to axes.

I listed Terrorhurtz' weaknesses last year as "vulnerable back and sides, limited CO² supply, and potential aiming problems". I'd say all of those apply again this year - its aim didn't seem as bad last year, especially compared to the days when it would jump around like a kangaroo at a rave party, but this year the increase in weapon power could mean a decrease in stability. If it's not careful, Terrorhurtz' own weapon could end up being its downfall (though likely not as spectacularly as Supernova last year).

Prediction: A definite contender. Should make the heat final, and if it's up against Aftershock, it just might win.

TMHWK

For those of you who can't read text-speak, this bot is named "Tomahawk". It originally entered Series 7, was immobilized in about ten seconds, then smashed to bits by an ocean buoy. It's now in the hands of four female roboteers from the Netherlands, and has been massively upgraded for this series. The axe heads are interchangeable, and it can fire at four different pressures to optimize its CO² usage, which is pretty neat.

"Despite thorough investigations", the website claims, "the team haven't been able to identify any significant weaknesses". Well, their investigations can't have been that thorough, because its top speed is listed as "untested". That's helpful. The wedge and armour look okay, but they'll be hoping they don't suffer from any reliability issues, or TMHWK might get OHKO'd. Again. At least this time there's no ocean buoy hanging from the ceiling.

Prediction: It's not going to win the heat, but it should certainly put up more of a fight than in Series 7.