The format has changed a lot this year, and I'll walk you through it as we go, but essentially, it's now a double-elimination bracket, with six robots per heat instead of eight. There are no repeat battles, no arduous group stages where one bad fight leaves you crippled for the rest of the heat, and best of all, instead of the wildcard slot, the last Grand Final place is decided by a 10-Robot Rumble. I can hardly wait. But first things first...
GROUP BATTLE 1 - BEHEMOTH v DONALD THUMP v SABRETOOTH
The build-up: "Robot Wars just wouldn't be Robot Wars without Behemoth," says Anthony Pritchard, which is exactly what I said about it last series. I'm glad to see them back, putting the troubles of Series 9 behind them. I'm also glad to see Donald Thump, the show's first satire-bot; James Davies' Trump impression will never cease to make me grin. Finally, Gabriel Stroud shows off Sabretooth's new modular design, which will come in handy if it gets the Christ beaten out of it again.
The announcer, whose odd prounciation of "SPINN-EHHR" amused us all to no end last series, has apparently decided he wasn't being quite hammy enough and dialled it up to eleven. If you haven't actually watched the episode, I recommend doing so just to laugh your ass off at the sadistic glee with which he calls Behemoth a "FLIPPEHHR". Proper panto stuff.
The battle: Donald Thump starts off a little tentatively and it's Sabretooth who draws first blood, throwing Behemoth upside-down with its powerful drum. Behemoth self-rights, unscathed, and Sabretooth then rounds on Donald Thump, tearing off one of its eyes. I thought they were painted on but apparently they're just stickers. With its eyesight damaged, Thump promptly drives headlong into the arena wall, while Behemoth is caught by the floor flipper and thrown into a perfect barrel roll. Not exactly an exhibition of driving brilliance so far, it has to be said.
While Behemoth gathers its bearings, Donald Thump slams into Sabretooth's side and knocks its wheelguard askew. Jonathan Pearce, entertaining as always, then claims Thump's weapon "isn't causing that much damage". Then what do you call that bit hanging off Sabretooth? Scotch mist? Having said that, though, Thump's weapon won't be causing any more damage this fight: while Sabretooth chases Behemoth across the arena, Thump grinds to a halt by the spikes and dies.
After shrugging off a couple more Sabretooth attacks, Behemoth gets bored and activates the Dial of Doom. Thanks to the power of editing, nothing happens, so Behemoth gets angry and hurls Sabretooth at the Dial. Fearing Ant's wrath, the producers drop the pit, which Sabretooth nearly drives headlong into (I repeat: world-class driving) before jinking away and ramming into Behemoth at full-speed. This kills both robots at once: the "not that much damage" caused by Donald Thump is pinning Sabretooth's wheels off the ground, while Behemoth is just plain dead. Off to the judges!
The outcome: Only one robot advances from the group battles now, and that robot is... Behemoth. I'm not convinced - Sabretooth looked rather more aggressive - and Gabe also feels he was 'a bit robbed'. Mind you, Behemoth catching a lucky break is about as rare as Behemoth getting immobilised. For Sabretooth and the Thump, it's off to the Redemption Round.
GROUP BATTLE 2 - APOLLO v APOCALYPSE v THE SWARM
The build-up: I'm pretty sure all three of those are Thorpe Park rides. Anyway, former champions Apollo are back for their "difficult third album", with Dave's brother Alan along for the right. Speaking of third albums and brothers, Chaos 2 and Hypno-Disc both lost to Ian Watts' Bigger Brother during their third series, and guess who else is in this fight! That's right, Ian Watts and his Swarm! Finally, we have Apocalypse, whose builder was allowed to construct it at work on the condition that he let his boss join the team. Hmm... I wonder if my boss would let me do that...
The battle: This one's a bit of a slow burner. Apocalypse's axe turns out to be non-functional, the various parts of The Swarm drive around aimlessly, and Apollo... isn't quite sure what to do. Eventually it targets Pinza, throwing it into the arena wall with enough force to kill it, then zeroes in on Apocalypse. One flip propels the ex-axebot through a full 360 (ex-bot 360? ...I'll see myself out), and a second leaves it immobile in Sir Killalot's CPZ.
While Sir K dumps the smoking Apocalypse onto the flame pit, Apollo ponders which Swarm bot to target next. It eventually zeroes in on Duck and, from about the centre of the arena, punts the minibot right over the fence. Not the wall. The goddamn six-foot-high Lexan fence. Ian Watts might be wishing he'd brought Or Te right about now. Ed Wallace might be wishing he'd brought a fire extinguisher: Apocalypse is now dead and on fire.
With Blenda now coming under pressure from Apollo, Skye panics and hits the Dial of Doom in a last-ditch attempt to turn the tide. This fails, because about ten seconds later Skye dives (hehe, skydives) straight into the now-open Pit. A mistake? Suicide? Either way, what started as a bit of a dull match ended up being quite entertaining.
The outcome: Apollo is through, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, while Apocalypse and The Swarm get to try again in the Redemption Round. Wouldn't it be tragically hilarious to see The Swarm up against Sabretooth?
HERE COMES THE SCIENCEY BIT!
Yes, I'll be discussing these as well. I mean, I'm in most of them. Not this one, though: Angela talks to Sethu about some guy who built his own jetpack. He has two tiny gas turbines strapped to each wrist, two more strapped to his back, and he can float around at pretty impressive speeds.
Of course, you can't really do a lot when your hands need to be pointing downwards at all times, so I'm intrigued when the jetpack's builder claims he has deals with the UK and US militaries to look into using his invention for "transporting soldiers across the battlefield". Yeah, but if they get shot at, how are they gonna shoot back? They raise their arm to fire and suddenly they're doing a backflip. To paraphrase Fagan, I think you'd better think it out again.
Of course, you can't really do a lot when your hands need to be pointing downwards at all times, so I'm intrigued when the jetpack's builder claims he has deals with the UK and US militaries to look into using his invention for "transporting soldiers across the battlefield". Yeah, but if they get shot at, how are they gonna shoot back? They raise their arm to fire and suddenly they're doing a backflip. To paraphrase Fagan, I think you'd better think it out again.
REDEMPTION BATTLE 1 - SABRETOOTH v APOCALYPSE
The build-up: Apocalypse had its chassis bent in the last fight, which jammed up the drive system, which burnt out the speed controller, which started the fire. So not a lot to fix, then. They seem to have gotten it sorted without much difficulty, though, and the axe is working now as well. Gabriel Stroud, meanwhile, hands the controls of Sabretooth over to team-mate Rob for no apparent reason.
The battle: Apocalypse comes out swinging, literally, and manages to knock Sabretooth's wedge loose. I'd say that Gabriel starts backseat-driving at this point, but he seems to actually be holding the controller, so no idea what's going on there. The robots dance around each other for a bit, narrowly avoiding Shunt, before Sabretooth goes for the Dial of Doom. It misses the button, but the producers can't hold their excitement in any longer and just pretend Sabretooth hit it so they can unleash their newest arena hazard: the Fog of War.
The Fog of War is basically a massive smoke machine that fills the arena with fog for ten seconds, blinding everyone. Sabretooth duly drives onto the floor flipper and has its wedge broken off entirely, and as the fog clears, I'm pretty sure I can see a few wisps of smoke coming from the yellow machine. Sure enough, the drum has stopped. Welp, time to #PrayForGabe.
...or not. Apocalypse suddenly sheds a drive chain, and sensing the opportunity, Sabretooth charges into Apocalypse's side and rams it against the arena wall with enough force to knock it out entirely. Is Gabe satisfied? No. "Hit it again." "Gabe, he's dead." "I don't care! Hit it again!" I'm not sure whether to make a Die Hard reference or a Dark Knight reference at this point, but either way, Gabriel is eventually talked down and cease is called.
The outcome: Apocalypse's debut comes to a disappointing end, while Sabretooth advances to the semi-finals.
REDEMPTION BATTLE 2 - DONALD THUMP v THE SWARM
The build-up: As James Davies gets to work fixing Donald Thump, we get a glimpse of the brilliant insanity that is robot combat. "This motor is £1000," James notes, gesturing at what I think is a Lynch motor powering the weapon, "and this bit here is wrapped in jeans with some polystyrene that I literally found in a skip." That's Robot Wars in a nutshell, right there.
Sadly, James is about to experience another quintessential Robot Wars element: unreliability. During the pre-match testing, he discovers that Donald Thump's spinner isn't responding properly to his controls. In the interests of safety, he's forced to go in without a working weapon. Sad!
The battle: This battle is all about Blenda. Time and again it charges into Donald Thump, and its horizontal spinning bar eventually manages to tear both the heavyweight's front panels off. The recoil then propels it into Dead Metal, who slices into it with its saw, and as Blenda flees it accidentally clips Skye, punting its own team-mate into Dead Metal's clutches instead.
Eager to redeem itself, Blenda gives Donald Thump another couple of whacks and the gold-plated machine grinds to a halt once more. Have they done it...? Yes! Skye comes back to life and nudges Donald Thump's lifeless body a few times while Duck and Blenda spin in joyous circles. Remember when Bigger Brother used to celebrate like that? Good times.
The outcome: The Thump has been stumped. The Swarm go through, and Blenda has officially impressed me.
SEMI-FINAL 1 - APOLLO v SABRETOOTH
The build-up: Neither team has that much to do in order to prepare. Gabriel reiterates his all-consuming desire to become the Robot Wars champion, while the Apollo guys remark that they've never fought a drum spinner before. Their last two defeats were to a horizontal spinner and a vertical spinner, so that's one hat-trick they won't want to complete.
The battle: Within seconds it becomes apparent that Sabretooth's drum still isn't working after it broke down earlier. The entire match thus consists of Apollo chasing after Sabretooth and flipping it occasionally, and Sabretooth running like hell. "Sabretooth's fighting for its life out here," says Professor Noel Sharkey at one point. No, Professor Noel Sharkey. Sabretooth is running for its life.
At one point Sabretooth goes for the Dial of Doom, and misses by about three feet. I guess you don't have to actually hit the button anymore though, because the Dial activates anyway and Dead Metal interrupts the chase for a bit while it chows down on the weaponless spinner. As Sabretooth goes back to being thrown around, Jonathan Pearce finally realises that its drum hasn't been spinning this whole time. He's never been the most attentive commentator, let's be honest here.
The outcome: There's only one way this is ever going to end: Apollo finally catches Sabretooth next to the arena wall, and out they go. Apollo are through, and they're feeling confident.
The battle: Within seconds it becomes apparent that Sabretooth's drum still isn't working after it broke down earlier. The entire match thus consists of Apollo chasing after Sabretooth and flipping it occasionally, and Sabretooth running like hell. "Sabretooth's fighting for its life out here," says Professor Noel Sharkey at one point. No, Professor Noel Sharkey. Sabretooth is running for its life.
At one point Sabretooth goes for the Dial of Doom, and misses by about three feet. I guess you don't have to actually hit the button anymore though, because the Dial activates anyway and Dead Metal interrupts the chase for a bit while it chows down on the weaponless spinner. As Sabretooth goes back to being thrown around, Jonathan Pearce finally realises that its drum hasn't been spinning this whole time. He's never been the most attentive commentator, let's be honest here.
The outcome: There's only one way this is ever going to end: Apollo finally catches Sabretooth next to the arena wall, and out they go. Apollo are through, and they're feeling confident.
SEMI-FINAL 2 - BEHEMOTH v THE SWARM
The build-up: Behemoth haven't fought since the very first battle of the episode, and they're not the least bit concerned about fighting a four-part clusterbot, so they're just kicking back and relaxing. The Swarm, however, are hard at work repairing their robots after their win over Donald Thump. Four times the robots means four times the repairs.
The battle: Blenda is the only part of The Swarm that actually has a decent weapon, but against a spinner-killer like Behemoth, 'decent' isn't good enough. The recoil from Blenda's first hit sends it spinning away almost the entire length of the arena, and while Blenda regains its senses, Behemoth overturns Pinza, which promptly starts billowing smoke. One down.
Blenda is deflected away once more, this time into Matilda, who actually loses a spike to Blenda's bar. What does that say more about, Blenda's weaponry or Behemoth's scoop? Behemoth then throws Duck at Matilda, but ventures too close and takes a hit from her flywheel, forcing it into another barrel roll. Unfazed, Behemoth bullies Blenda a bit more, then zeroes in on Skye and punts it out of the arena.
That charge flipped Pinza the right way up, but it's looking battered and promptly catches fire. Blenda has already ground to a halt somewhere, while Duck is busy charging into everything and eventually ends up getting plucked and roasted by Sir Killalot to cheers from the audience. Once upon a time, Jonathan Pearce would have made some kind of food joke there. Now I have to do all the hard work.
The outcome: Behemoth are through, but for The Swarm, worse is yet to come...
PLAY-OFF - SABRETOOTH v THE SWARM
The build-up: This battle will decide who'll grab the first spot in the 10-Robot Rumble, for which we are treated to a very spoilery-looking preview. The Swarm - who have swapped Pinza for the spinner-killer version of Skye - are understandably not very confident. Gabe has all the confidence, bragging about how he's going to win this fight and then smash apart all the other nine robots in the rumble. First things first, Gabe, is your weapon working?
The battle: Well... kinda. It takes a while to get up to speed, but then Sabretooth launches Flat Skye halfway across the arena, swiftly followed by Blenda. Both come back for more, and Blenda is sent flying a second time. Shortly afterwards, one of the arena spikes is sent flying, out of its housing and ten feet into the air. Remind me again, what's the point of the spikes? What have they actually done these past two series? They've taken Series 3's most dreaded hazard and turned it into a joke.
Anyway, that second hit from Blenda seems to have broken Sabretooth's drum. Again. And Gabriel thinks he can win the 10-Way. Well... he certainly stands more of a chance than The Swarm. Duck is thrown upside-down by the floor flipper and can't self-right, so Flat Skye pushes it onto the floor flipper a second time, and now it's right-way-up but not moving at all. Neither is Jammer Skye, as Sabretooth's just jammed it up against the wall. I think Alanis Morrissette would classify that as "ironic".
For a while, I can't tell whether Blenda's weapon is working or not. We cut away from it while Sabretooth gets stuck in Shunt's CPZ, and when we cut back, Blenda isn't working at all. Both it and Duck are immobile on the flame pit, and Dead Metal heads over to carve himself some tasty roast duck. (Still no food jokes from Jonathan? Come on, dude, this is low-hanging fruit.) Sabretooth ends proceedings by bulldozing Flat Skye into the wall.
The outcome: Despite The Swarm being clearly KO'ed, for some reason the fight goes to the judges, who of course rule in favour of Sabretooth. We'll be seeing them again in the 10-Robot Rumble.
HEAT FINAL - APOLLO v BEHEMOTH
The build-up: Apollo goes into this battle as the favourite, but Anthony Pritchard reckons all he needs is a little bit of luck and Behemoth can win. Guess the win's going to Apollo, then.
The battle: Straight away Apollo is on top, tossing Behemoth upside-down and into Sir Killalot's CPZ. Behemoth eventually gets away but is thrown again, and goes on the retreat. The arena spikes have been repaired - "OUT OF MY POCKET!", barks Jonathan Pearce - but Behemoth dodges them and eventually manages to get a flip in of its own. This time it's Apollo upside-down in Sir K's CPZ, and amusingly, neither team can see what's going on. Remember when this happened to Behemoth last year against Eruption? I think the producers saw that, went "Hey, that's a good idea!", and that's why the Fog of War is a thing now.
Apollo eventually gets away and regains the initiative, nearly throwing Behemoth out of the arena. Behemoth dodges the spikes once more and flips Apollo onto the flame pit. Apollo self-rights and flips Behemoth into Dead Metal. This is a fantastic heat final so far. Apollo is on top, but Behemoth is holding its own magnificently.
Then, in an instant, it's all over. Apollo makes the mistake of turning its back, just for a split-second, and is immediately flipped. During the melee in the CPZ earlier on, the pit had been lowered, and Apollo is propelled straight into it. Team Make Robotics go ballistic, as does Jonathan Pearce and, I imagine, quite a few of those watching at home. We've waited twenty years for this moment.
The outcome: Behemoth, at long long last, are Grand Finalists. And in the immortal words of Murray Walker, "I've got to stop, because I've got a lump in my throat!"
***
So how about that for a first heat, eh? I'm planning to start NaNoWriMo next week, and this blog is gonna play havoc with that, but I've committed now, so let's see how this goes. Next week's heat promises to be even more spectacular, so stay tuned on Friday, as I preview the return of Carbide...
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